England is the most confusing place ever. Chips are French fries, and chips are crisps here. And they really do put blood in blood pudding! How am I supposed to survive here? Okay, so the Jaffa Cakes are good, not as good as Twinkies, but good enough. Plus, Giles has a stash in his office in his bottom drawer.
It’s funny, not ha-ha funny, how we all came to be here in Jolly ‘Ol England. Some bad things went down in Sunnydale. Y’know, end of the world bad. There was this thing called the First, who really messed with all of us. He came to us, looking like dead people. And I’m not talking zombies either. Sorta like ghosts.
Then one day Giles shows up with a bunch girls…and Wesley. They were potentials and, believe me when I say this, living with a bunch of girls isn’t like being in a porn. Not that I’d know about porn…
The First didn’t only bring us the dead and big bads, it made Buff’s house fill up with people from my past and present. It was like a bad episode of This is Your Life. Cordy and Willow, who I had shared spit with in high school were there. Anya, who I’d left at the altar was still sticking around. Add in Dead boy, with a dash of ‘I’m gonna choke ya’ Faith and it was the most uncomfortable I’ve been.
All of this going on around me while I was trying to turn on the Harris charm and get Fred to date me. She didn’t though. Instead, she went for the British guy. Anya got a good laugh out of it. The only solid things during that time were Will and Buff, and Will had Tara and Buffy was still hanging around Spike. I was the odd man out again.
We battled the First, and Anya and Spike died. Made them heroes I guess. I’m still confused about how saving Andrew makes Anya a hero, but I still miss her sometimes. She was annoying but she was mine, and she loved me. She didn’t see Angel and throw herself at him.
Now, I’m living at the Council surrounded by a bunch of teenage girls (once again, porn has it all wrong!), and Buffy. I’m three doors down from her. That’s forty-four steps from my door to hers. Not that it matters. She won’t ever see me for anything more than her friend, who can swing a hammer and fix things.
Maybe I should find someone here to date. They shave their legs here, right?